When Jealousy Enters the Ministry: Walking in Grace When Others Resent You
By: Michael J. Decker, M.Min.
Ministry is one of the greatest privileges a person can experience. There is nothing quite like watching God transform a life, restore a family, bring someone back to faith, or use the work of your hands to make an eternal difference. For those who have been called to ministry, the joy is not ultimately found in the recognition, the size of the congregation, the opportunities that come, or the accomplishments that appear on a résumé. The joy is found in knowing that we have been entrusted with something that belongs to God and that, in some small way, He has allowed us to participate in His work.
Yet there is another side of ministry that we do not often discuss openly. Sometimes the very things God does through our lives can become a source of jealousy in others. This can be one of the more painful experiences a minister encounters because we generally expect opposition from the world, but we do not anticipate it from people within the church. We understand that not everyone outside the faith will appreciate our calling or understand our convictions, but when jealousy comes from a fellow leader, a friend, another minister, or someone who once stood beside us, the pain can be much deeper.
There are moments when God begins to open doors, create opportunities, increase influence, or bring fruit to our labor, and instead of everyone celebrating, we discover that some people are uncomfortable with what they see happening in our lives. What should have been a reason for rejoicing becomes an occasion for comparison. What should have been celebrated as a testimony of God's faithfulness becomes, for someone else, a reminder of what they believe they have not received. That reality can be difficult to navigate, particularly when you know you have not intentionally done anything to provoke it.
When God's Blessing Becomes Someone Else's Comparison
Jealousy often begins with comparison, and comparison has always been dangerous territory. We see this clearly in the relationship between Saul and David. David's victories became increasingly difficult for Saul to celebrate because the people began praising David. What began as recognition of another person's success eventually became a threat to Saul's sense of significance. David had not set out to become Saul's enemy. He had not initially sought Saul's position. He was simply walking in the assignment God had given him, but Saul interpreted David's success as a personal threat. That same dynamic can still exist in ministry. One church grows, and another Pastor begins wondering why their church is not growing at the same pace. One minister receives an invitation, and another wonders why they were overlooked. Someone is promoted, recognized, published, trusted with a greater responsibility, or given an opportunity that another person wanted, and suddenly the blessing of one person becomes the disappointment of another. This is where comparison becomes so destructive because it causes us to interpret someone else's blessing as evidence of our own inadequacy. The Kingdom of God, however, is not a competition!
Another person's success does not mean that you have failed. Another person's opportunity does not mean that God has forgotten you. Another person's growth does not diminish the value of your ministry, and another person's influence does not make your calling less important. God does not distribute assignments according to a human ranking system. He gives different people different responsibilities, different seasons, different platforms, different gifts, and different opportunities. The person standing beside you may be called to something that looks very different from what God has called you to do. The challenge is learning to celebrate what God is doing in someone else's life without interpreting it as a commentary on your own. Unfortunately, not everyone has learned to do that.
People Often See the Fruit Without Seeing the Cost
One of the hardest realities of ministry is that people frequently see the outcome without seeing the process that produced it. They see the sermon, but they do not see the preparation. They see the opportunity, but they do not know how many opportunities were lost along the way. They see the recognition, but they do not see the years when nobody seemed to notice. They see the growth, but they do not see the sacrifices that were made to get there. They see the fruit, but they do not see the pruning. They see the public moment, but they do not see the private battles. They see where you are standing, but they may have no idea what it took to get there. This is one reason jealousy can be so unfair. People sometimes compare their own struggles with someone else's visible success without knowing the price that person has paid. They may assume that things have come easily to you when, in reality, there have been years of disappointment, rejection, financial sacrifice, difficult decisions, long nights, criticism, uncertainty, and moments when you wondered whether you had the strength to continue. They may see the door God opened without remembering all the doors that closed. They may see the platform without seeing the wilderness. They may see the accomplishment without seeing the adversity that preceded it.
Ministry has a way of making certain sacrifices invisible. The congregation sees what happens on Sunday, but they do not always see what happens Monday through Saturday. People see the finished sermon, but they do not see the wrestling that produced it. They see the Pastor standing confidently before the congregation, but they may not know how often that Pastor has stood privately before God asking for strength to keep going. For this reason, we have to be careful about judging another person's journey by what we can see from the outside.
Sometimes Jealousy Becomes Opposition
Jealousy does not always remain an internal struggle. When it is not dealt with, it can eventually manifest itself in behavior. Sometimes it appears through criticism that seems disproportionate to the situation. Sometimes it takes the form of gossip or subtle attempts to diminish someone's accomplishments. At other times, it appears through exclusion, unnecessary competition, questioning motives, or attempts to undermine someone's credibility. This is where jealousy becomes particularly painful because it can leave you asking questions for which you may never receive satisfactory answers. You may find yourself wondering what you did to deserve the treatment you are receiving. You may replay conversations in your mind, wondering whether you said something that offended someone. You may examine your own motives repeatedly, trying to determine whether you somehow created the situation. Self-examination is healthy, but there comes a point when we have to recognize that we cannot take responsibility for another person's heart. If you have honestly examined yourself, repented where necessary, and determined that you are walking faithfully before God, you cannot spend the rest of your life trying to control how someone else perceives you. You are responsible for your character. You are responsible for your integrity. You are responsible for your motives. You are responsible for how you treat people. But you are not responsible for someone else's jealousy! That distinction is incredibly important!
Do Not Allow Someone Else's Jealousy to Make You Bitter
Perhaps the greatest danger in dealing with jealous people is not what they might do to you, but what their behavior might do inside of you. When someone repeatedly criticizes you, undermines you, or treats you unfairly, it is easy for resentment to take root. You begin replaying conversations, wondering what they are saying when you are not present. You begin anticipating their next criticism. You may even start looking for evidence that confirms your suspicion that they are against you. Eventually, the person who is jealous of you begins taking up far too much space in your heart. Paul's words in Romans 12:21 are especially important in these moments: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." That does not mean pretending that everything is fine. It does not mean allowing someone to repeatedly mistreat you. It does not mean that boundaries are unspiritual or that forgiveness requires you to restore the same level of trust you once had. You can forgive someone while recognizing that the relationship needs boundaries. You can love someone without giving them unrestricted access to your life. You can pray for someone while recognizing that you cannot place them in a position where their behavior continually damages you or the ministry entrusted to you. Forgiveness releases the offense to God; wisdom determines how you move forward. There is a profound difference between refusing to hold a grudge and pretending that a person's behavior never happened.
Do Not Shrink Yourself to Make Someone Else Comfortable
Another danger that can emerge from experiencing jealousy is the temptation to make yourself smaller. You begin to hesitate before accepting opportunities because you are afraid what others will think. You minimize your accomplishments because you do not want someone to believe you are bragging. You stop talking about what God is doing because you are concerned that someone might interpret your gratitude as arrogance. Eventually, you can begin apologizing for the very thing God has called you to do.
There is a difference between humility and false humility. Humility recognizes that everything we have ultimately comes from God. It gives Him the glory and refuses to believe that our accomplishments make us superior to anyone else. False humility, however, can become a denial of God's work in our lives because we are afraid to acknowledge it. There is nothing wrong with being grateful for an opportunity God has given you. There is nothing wrong with celebrating a ministry accomplishment. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that God has opened a door. The key is where the glory goes. We can say, "God has been faithful," without saying, "I am better than you." We can celebrate a blessing without believing that we deserve more than someone else. We can recognize God's work without making ourselves the center of the story. You should never allow another person's insecurity to convince you that you need to apologize for God's faithfulness. If God has called you, walk in that calling with humility and confidence.
Let Your Character Speak for You
When people misunderstand your motives, the natural inclination is often to defend yourself. Sometimes there are moments when a direct response is appropriate, especially when someone's actions are damaging people or the ministry. Wisdom does not mean remaining silent in every circumstance. But there are also times when the best defense is simply a consistent life. Continue serving. Continue loving people. Continue leading with integrity. Continue doing what God has called you to do. Continue treating people well, including those who do not treat you well. Over time, character has a way of speaking for itself. You do not have to answer every accusation. You do not have to correct every rumor. You do not have to win every argument or convince every person that your motives are pure. There are some battles that become smaller when you refuse to participate in them. Jesus understood this. There were times when He answered His critics, but there were also times when He remained silent. He knew the difference between a question that deserved an answer and an accusation that did not. That is a lesson every minister eventually has to learn. Not every criticism requires a response, and not every misunderstanding needs to be corrected. Sometimes the most mature thing you can say is nothing at all.
Know When to Confront and When to Walk Away
Grace should never be confused with avoidance. There are times when difficult conversations are necessary. If someone has offended you, Scripture gives us a pattern for addressing conflict directly. If someone is spreading false information, there may be a time to clarify the truth. If someone's behavior is damaging the church or hurting other people, leadership may require confrontation. But the goal of confrontation should be restoration, protection, or truth - not revenge. Before entering a difficult conversation, it is worth asking yourself what you are actually trying to accomplish.
• Are you trying to restore the relationship?
• Are you trying to protect the ministry?
• Are you trying to establish a healthy boundary?
• Or are you simply trying to prove that you are right?
That question can expose motives we would rather not acknowledge.
There will also be times when walking away is the wisest response. Not every relationship is meant to remain as close as it once was. Not every environment is healthy enough to remain in indefinitely. Not every conflict can be resolved simply because you are willing to resolve it. Sometimes you have done everything you can do, and the healthiest response is to release the situation and move forward. Walking away is not always weakness; sometimes it is wisdom.
Pray for the Person Without Becoming Preoccupied With Them
One of the most difficult disciplines in Christian leadership is praying for someone who has hurt you. Jesus instructed His followers to pray for those who mistreat them, and that command is not easy to obey. It requires us to move beyond our natural desire for vindication and place the situation in God's hands. Prayer does not excuse unhealthy behavior. It does not remove appropriate consequences, and it does not mean that you must restore trust immediately. What prayer does is protect your heart from becoming consumed by the person who hurt you. Instead of continually asking God to expose them, you begin asking God to heal them. Instead of praying for their downfall, you begin praying for their restoration. Instead of allowing their behavior to define your emotional life, you begin releasing them into God's hands. That is a form of freedom. You do not have to monitor whether they have changed. You do not have to keep checking what they are saying about you. You do not have to spend your days trying to determine whether they finally approve of you - give them to God. You have a calling to fulfill, and you cannot fulfill it effectively if you spend all of your emotional energy watching people who are watching you.
Remember Who Gave You the Assignment
Ultimately, this is where we have to return. If God called you, then your calling did not originate with other people. If God opened the door, you do not need everyone else's permission to walk through it. There will be people who celebrate you, and there will be people who criticize you. There will be people who genuinely rejoice when God blesses you, and there will be others who struggle to celebrate anything that makes them feel as though they are falling behind. There may even be people who never celebrate you at all. You have to be at peace with that. Your calling was never supposed to be sustained by applause. If your confidence depends upon everyone approving of you, ministry will eventually exhaust you. The opinions of people are constantly changing, and the approval of people is an unstable foundation upon which to build a life. But when your confidence rests in the One who called you, you can withstand both applause and criticism. You can remain humble when people celebrate you, and you can remain faithful when people criticize you. You can receive encouragement without becoming dependent upon it, and you can receive criticism without allowing it to define you. Your identity must remain anchored in Christ.
If this Blog speaks to you, you'll find more honest conversations about the realities of ministry in my book, Ministry Unmasked. Order your copy today!